I let go of two friendships today. Both were with people I love and care about but I felt like the dynamic between us was hurting me. I felt very clear-headed about this decision earlier today and was certain I was doing the right thing to take care of my mental health.
And then, the evening came. One of the friends, whom I actually adore, responded to the long rambling email I had sent about why I was stepping away from the friendship. She was deeply hurt. My heart hurt, physically, reading the words that said I had hurt her.
I cried the other night because I was feeling hurt by my friends, but I don’t want to cause harm, so I cried tonight too because in my effort to be strong and advocate for what I thought I needed I hurt people I care about. I feel humbled and I feel devastated and above all I have no idea what’s going on.
I cannot trust my own brain right now. I don’t know when it’s lying to me and when to trust my instincts. I now wish I would have just been quiet instead of trying to express myself. Why do I always think I need to express myself? Why can’t I just fucking stop? Why can’t I move past things that hurt me? Why am I so fucking sensitive to shit? Did I make the whole thing up that hurt me in the first place?
I don’t know.
Tonight I had the “mama has a mental illness” conversation with my children. I cried through it but I felt like it was important for them to know that I have a sickness in my brain that causes me to feel and act certain ways sometimes and that it is not their fault.
What I didn’t tell them is that it feels like it’s getting worse. It feels like the sick part of my brain is winning. It is trying to kill me every single day. It is destroying my relationships and making me question every goddamn decision I make.
I never want to hurt people. I’m sorry I have hurt people. What I really feel is that I can’t manage friendships right now because I’m too mixed up and fucked up and confused, and no one else should have to deal with that. It’s not fair.
I finally have an appointment with a therapist next week. I will hang on until then and try not to hurt anyone else in the process. I get to see some friends between now and then who have known me for a long time and for some reason still love me.
But if anyone knows what to do when you can’t trust your own brain, I would love an answer.