Tired

God you guys, I’m so tired of feeling this way.

I’m so tired of beating myself up all the time.

I’m so tired of worrying that people don’t like me or that I said the wrong thing or that I am unloveable or unworthy of love. And then beating myself up for being so self-important and self-consumed that I think anything I say actually affects anyone. And then getting angry at myself for giving a fuck what other people think.

I’m so tired of feeling so anxious and stressed every time I’m going to interact with other people. Even when I’m really excited about interacting with said people! And then I have a wonderful time with same said people and I feel fulfilled and whole and then I sink back into worry about all the things I said and did wrong.

I’m tired of being uncertain. About everything. I don’t know who I am or what I want or where I fit or if I fit anywhere or if I want to fit anywhere.

I’m tired of longing for connection and real relationships but being unable to commit to them because of my intense fear of real intimacy and what it means when people truly know me, and when I truly know them.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have friends and I’m tired of knowing those feelings are my own fucking fault. There’s a reason my closest friends are all far away. Because I can only manage being far away from people.

I’m tired of being trapped in this brain and I would like to try someone else’s. Anyone with a healthy brain want to loan it to me?

I’m tired of feeling the pain and weight of the world and feeling helpless to do a fucking thing about it.

I’m so tired.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep.

I’m not giving up because it’s not an option. I look at my babies’ faces and I know I have to do my best to keep my head up. But it’s fucking hard. It’s fucking hard. It’s fucking hard. I want so badly to love myself and be able to move through the world with joy.

I don’t feel equipped to be a healthy person. That is a scary feeling.

This will not be a fun one to read, and if anyone does read it, it will turn most people away. At least it’s short, huh? I don’t know what to do but write things down, and there’s something in me that needs to share what I write down, and instead of sharing this shit on facebook I’m writing it here. It may not look like it but this is self-care for me.