I need some levity, so today I’m going to write something enjoyable. I am going to write personal responses to headlines I’m reading today, without actually reading the articles. I am going to choose headlines that I find funny or interesting, and not too depressing or serious (trust, there are plenty of those). Which means most of them will be from the A.V. Club. This is how I’m battling my depression today, as I sit in a house surrounded by dirty dishes and laundry and do nothing about those things. You’re welcome for my indispensable insight and wisdom.
From The A.V. Club: Why are there so many TV shows about time travel right now?
My response: Um, because we all want to get the fuck out of here, duh.
From The A.V. Club: Sean Spicer’s tragic fall from grace as White House Easter Bunny. (This one also has a photo of G.W. Bush cuddling said Easter Bunny.)
My response: Well, this is the best thing I’ve ever read. I also once read an article about how people were getting crabs from their costumes at Disneyland. I wonder if Sean Spicer got crabs. I mean, you would think the White House Easter Bunny costume might get washed once in a while out of respect for the highest office in the land or some shit, but these are the things we don’t know, American people. Whether Sean Spicer got crabs.
From boingboing.net: Republican State Senator’s “business degree” turns out to be from Sizzler’s Steakhouse.
My response: First of all, I lied when I said the Sean Spicer thing was the best thing I’d ever read because this is now the best thing I’ve ever read. I also lied because this article I actually did read. It was very short, and basically is about how this dude (Iowa state senator Mark Chelgren) said he had a business degree but it was actually a certificate he received for attending a management course at Sizzler’s Steakhouse. There’s your summary. I mean, Sizzler isn’t even a good steakhouse. You should at least get your fake business degree from a decent steakhouse. I don’t have any examples of those off the top of my head because I don’t eat steak but I know Sizzler is not known for high quality meats or high quality fake business degrees. Also bahahahahahahaha.
From The Stranger: Looking to Understand the Mind of Steve Bannon? Watch his Documentaries.
My response: Yeah, that’s gonna be a hard pass.
From npr.org: Women of NASA to be Immortalized–in Lego Form
My response: OK, first of all I think this is super cool and I’m happy about it. Representation matters. Let me just say this though, Lego: My family went to see the Lego Batman movie the other day and IT SUUUUUCKED. Like real bad. I could not wait for that unfunny drivel to end. And let’s be honest: the whole reason that movie exists is because commercialism. Lego knows that parents are going to take their kids to that shit because it’s a kids’ movie and it gives us something to do with our kids that isn’t listening to them argue about which My Little Pony is the best My Little Pony (another example of a show that exists for commercialism but I DON’T CARE I LOVE MY LITTLE PONY) for a couple hours. That movie was basically a really really really long commercial for toys. Also, part of why I wanted to see it was because Jenny Slate was a voice, but she had like 3 lines. So on one hand, Lego can suck it. On the other hand, I like Legos and I will probably buy these NASA Lego women.
From The A.V. Club: Sean Spicer is still terrible at Twitter.
My response: That guy should really go back to being the Easter Bunny.
From npr.org: Billboard About Gender Roles Sparks Debate, Protest in North Carolina (with a photo of the billboard, which says: Real men provide, Real women appreciate it).
My response: I know, right? I mean what is there to protest here? What is up with all these feminazis not appreciating their men providing for them? What a bunch of ungrateful cunts, trying to have their own identities and careers and opinions and wanting to have consensual sex. Shut up, bitches. Appreciate.
From The A.V. Club: Geraldo Rivera now actively begging for death.
My response: I just want to leave this here because I don’t want it to have any additional context.
From The Huffington Post: Here’s What’s Really Happening When Your ‘Hair Hurts.’
My response: Now this is the kind of hard-hitting, thought-provoking journalism our society needs right now. Sure, bigotry is on the rise and nuclear annihilation is a real possibility, but seriously WHAT THE HELL IS REALLY HAPPENING WHEN YOUR HAIR HURTS.
From the A.V. Club: Alec Baldwin is writing a fake Trump memoir.
My response: This is the best news I’ve read in weeks.
From resistmedia.org: Shaming Violent Revolt Against Oppression is Abuse Apologism.
My response: Fuck yes.
From spin.com: Our Favorite Memes of Richard Spencer Getting Punched in the Face.
My response: If you have not yet watched the video of alt-right white nationalist dipshit Richard Spencer getting punched in the face, go do that right now. And if you are a person who is going to claim that “violence is never the answer” or that even nazis shouldn’t get punched and should be allowed to share their “opinions,” fuck off. No seriously, don’t contact me about that shit or comment about it here. Take it somewhere else.
From the A.V. Club: Jeff Sessions’ anti-marijuana platform no match for stoned people on the internet.
My response: A.V. Club, you are making my life worth living today.
From Jezebel: Say a Prayer for Shirley MacLaine, Who is ‘Still Dealing With the Horror’ of the Oscars snafu.
My response: Thank you, Shirley MacLaine. Thank you for finally saying what needs to be said at such a difficult time. There was a mistake made on an awards show that celebrates the most self-important and self-congratulatory people on the planet, most of whom are and have historically been white people. The horror these white people have to face as a result of LaLa Land losing to Moonlight… They took away their little statue trophy you guys. Horror. There is no better word.
This was fun. I will have to do this on a regular basis I think. If you read this, thank you!
I stole the image used here from eater.com. I don’t know if I have permission to do that, but I love it so I’m doing it. If anyone has a problem with that please let me know and I’ll change it.